By popular demand, this year's Halloween Flashback Friday is for Straight to DVD
Bryan awoke to the smell of candle smoke. He was tied down to a large stone plinth in what looked like an ancient study. Disturbing paraphernalia lay around him and a sinister-looking goat skull was framed on one wall. Hooded figures chanting in a language that sounded suspiciously like a reversed audio track marched around him. He looked down at himself. He was still the girl from the first movie, only now he seemed to be dressed in a blood red corset than cinched tightly around his waist and a matching set of lingerie. Who directed this shit... he groaned.
The head druid raised a crooked staff. “The moon demands a bride! The old gods demand blood!” The druids chanted louder. A ceremonial dagger glittered in the head druid's hand. Then an arrow buried itself in his shoulder.
“Get away from her, you mouldy bastards!” A woman smashed through the room's large stained glass window, landing between Bryan and the cultists. She wore leather trousers, a fitted green corset, and a sword at her hip. Her dark hair whipped around a face that belonged on a fantasy-adventure poster. She dispatched three druids before dropping one hand to the groud and swinging her hair back in what Bryan recognised as a superhero pose. “Can you stand?” she asked, slicing through his restraints and he dropped to the floor, instantly losing his balance in a pair of towering red stilettos and sprawling backwards over an impossibly old wooden desk. The woman glanced at his heels. “Seems like your wardrobe is troublesome!” She quickly grabbed Bryan's corseted waist and pulled him with strong arms back against the plinth before kissing him passionately. He blinked with surprise as her fingers began to unpick the fastenings at the back of his outfit. The woman smiled. “I've waited my whole life for a girl brave enough to face the old gods with me.” The moonlight deepened. Music swelled. She pushed him onto the altar, and the camera began a slow, suggestive fade.
“Eurgh!!” Bryan was once again aware of the girls watching the DVD. “This sex scene is so forced. It's so transparent it's just to get guys watching the movie. Mind if I skip?” She asked her friends just as Bryan was thinking he minded very much.
There came a cheerful electronic chime and the scene jumped forward. Bryan was standing beside the heroine in the centre of a burning stone circle. His hair was dishevelled and his corset was slightly crooked. Both wore the unmistakable expressions of people who had enjoyed themselves enormously. He dropped open his bottom lip in a mix of frustration and disappointment. A thunderclap shook the house. The head druid emerged in the room's doorway, enormous now, his antlers crowned with blue fire. “THE BRIDE IS MINE!” Bryan and the heroine fought back-to-back, blades flashing as the druid summoned fire from his fists. Just as the creature raised his staff to crush them both, a familiar figure vaulted over the stone plinth..
“Miss me?” The tuxedoed man from the mansion flashed them a smile. He struck the druid across the face with a silver candlestick. Moments later, the three escaped into the moonlit forest. The tuxedoed man swept the two women onto his hips, carrying them effortlessly while the ruins collapsed behind them and a soaring musical score boomed in a frenzy of furious electric guitars.
“Hell yeah!!” The girls chorused from the sofa.“That sequel was even better! Third one's going to be wild. I hear that's the one where Haley and our mystery man finally get it on!”






